Expressing Fear to Your Partner (or anyone really)

Fear is so closely related to Desire they can almost be seen as two sides of the same coin.
Except desire is moving toward something (allowing) and fear is moving away from something (preventing).

Here are two tricks to help you in expressing fear:

1) Start with a short preamble "I want to share something with you and I'm feeling some fear about it, because I'm worried I will be judged for it." this sets up the conversation about your fear and actually starts by sharing a small fear, and you begin the conversation by already bringing some vulnerability.

A warning comes with this one - do your best to stay away from language that might feed your partner’s own fears. For example if I ever start a conversation with my wife like this, “Honey, there’s something that I have to tell you.” her first reaction is her own fear that I’m going to drop a relationship jolting bomb on her. Similarly using a phrase like, “I want to tell you something, but I’m totally freaking out, and I think you are going to hate me for it.” is likely to place your partner on alert, instead of have them support you in sharing more vulnerably. (I know, crazy - right?)

The key is to be responsible with your language, and to own your fear as a thought that you are having (see No. 2 below). The first phrase I offered above is a great way to be responsible with your language and still bring your vulnerability. If you actually are “freaking out” then you might consider, “I want to share a fear of mine with you, and I’m feeling a lot of fear and anxiety just expressing this to you. I’m a little overwhelmed but I want to continue."  

2) Relate to your fear as a thought. Fear is an emotional response, but unless you are facing a saber-tooth tiger, or a big-city mugger, the fear you are having in your relationship is in response to a thought. “I’m having this ‘crazy’ thought that you want to leave me.” Some friends of mine would use this phrase “Crazy Thought” in a playful way to disarm the fear they wanted to express to the other. As in, "Sweetheart, I'm having a crazy thought that you don't find me attractive anymore. Isn't that a CRAZY thought?"

Whichever way you want to establish it - either by being playful or just having a conversation the next time a fear comes up, the important thing is that the two of you are both clear that sharing a fear does not mean that it is the truth, or even your dominant perspective. It is just a thought that you are sharing.

Sharing the thought doesn’t necessarily mean that you need the person to do anything about it, either. You might have a request that comes after sharing the fear, but that is a separate piece from simply sharing what your fear. Speaking your fear may be all that is required.

In this way again, fear is very similar to desire, in that simply having a desire does not mean that it must be fulfilled by the person to whom you express it. Nor does it mean that it is your truth. Your desire is simply a thought that you are sharing. The more you look at both your fears and your desires the more you may find how interconnected they are. Begin using one to uncover the other.


CMA (Covering My Ass) Note: This should be obvious, but when I write that your fear in a relationship is in response to a thought and not a real threat - clearly I’m NOT talking about an abusive or otherwise threatening relationship. In these cases there may be a real danger that should be dealt with in a different way.