Active Empathy or Wearing the other person’s shoes
“Three quarters of the miseries and misunderstandings in the world would finish if people were to put on the shoes of their adversaries and understood their points of view” - Gandhi
Years ago facilitating workshops we called this “getting behind someone’s eyes. These days at the the Authentic World trainings we call it “getting someone’s world” it is also called “taking 2nd position”. “Active Empathy” seems like a more accurate phrase to me for the purpose of couples work, but the practice is the same idea.
So what does it mean to ‘wear the other person’s shoes’? It is the practice of getting a sense of another person’s experience, where you consciously imagine what it must ‘feel’ like to be in the other person’s position. You attempt to imagine what they actually see and experience in front of them, and how you might interpret what you see and experience as if it were happening to you.
Then you actually express this thought to the other person, in words that don’t blame anyone involved, including yourself - this is not an opportunity for you to martyr yourself, this is a discovery process. The intention is to offer your interpretation as a guess to what their experience might be. And just a note - that is not the same as saying, “You’re mad at me, aren’t you?” Even though that phrase is both an interpretation and a question, it doesn’t quite get the job done. What does not get conveyed in that phrase is your attempt to really see how things are for them. Often if we feel someone is able to see things from our perspective we also feel like they see us even more deeply. Boom - that’s empathy!
Imagine you just saw a movie that has some twists and turns, and you are talking to your partner to try and figure out what was happening behind the scenes. This is a mystery and you are trying to understand the plot. One caveat to that analogy - this is not an argument over the plot, or even a ‘lively persuasive’ conversation as to what ‘actually’ happened. This is an opportunity to create connection, when connection has been lost.
I use this technique while working with couples when they find themselves at an impasse. For instance if one person sees it one way and the other sees it completely differently, this can allow each person to see and even honor the other person’s perspective. This is also a great tool if one person feels like the other is not seeing or hearing them. This technique literally shows the other person that you are attempting to see and hear them, not just from the outside but from the inside as well.
What this provides is: A way to discover what the other person is experiencing. An opportunity to better understand the other’s actions A place from which to feel real empathy and compassion A point of connection that may not have been present in the moment before
If you put it into words it might sound something like this: “If I placed myself in your shoes and I was hearing my partner asking me to change something, but I was also feeling like I had no good choices to make around that, I think I’d feel like I had no power in the situation. I might feel shame. I’d probably feel like I was being attacked or like a demand was being made of me that I could not meet. So I imagine I would also feel angry, sad and scared. Is that what it’s like for you?”
This kind of statement can include even more interpretation (but doesn’t have to) depending on what you know about the person and what you know about the situation. You can also ‘imagine’ what thoughts you would have or actions you might take in the given scenario.
It is always important to say at the end, “Is that what it’s like for you?” or “Is that true for you?” This is a practice in active empathy, not mind-reading. You don’t actually know how they feel, you can only imagine what it might feel like if you were them.
It is helpful to keep it in terms of what you would think, feel, and do - and not to start telling the other person what they think, feel, and do. You are putting yourself in their shoes, and you are imagining what you would feel as you ‘walk’ in them. This is a process of checking in with the other person and giving them the opportunity to say “yes, that’s how it is for me.” or for them to say, “Not quite, it is more like this...”.
Why not just ask them directly “What is going on for you? or “What’s wrong?” Again I find that when the effort is made to understand their point of view, two things are likely to happen. 1) The other person feels that you see and hear them - or at least that you are trying. 2) You taking the time to genuinely try on their perspective with a sense of curiosity, can actually have you understand them more, and help you to bring more empathy and compassion. The direct question does not establish these two things even if you have considered them internally.
You will probably not get all of the experience exactly right (although you will be surprised how close you can get). The intention is that by making a genuine effort you will be reaching out to the other person, and hopefully they will feel understood, or at least considered by you.
In the moments that I find myself with my guard up, or frustrated with my partner, if I take on this practice I find that I can feel my compassion and understanding in the present moment with her. This process is a powerful way to create a shared reality (a map of the territory) that you both can then navigate.
When I work with couples I often see them get frustrated with each other because they can’t understand why the other person doesn’t see the ‘truth’ of the situation. At its most contracted and painful moments they are each telling the other person what the other person is feeling or doing. It sounds like, “You refuse to listen to me. You believe that I can’t do it. You are afraid of taking any actions and you are blaming me for it.”
This practice calls us to step out of our perspective of the moment (or of the world) and to let go of what we believe the ‘truth’ to be. We can then practice being curious instead of assuming or drawing conclusions.
One of the side effects of a long term relationship is that we stop being curious about the other person, and we begin to “know” them; we assume, we conclude, we predict what is happening with them instead of being willing to find out from the place of Not Knowing. With the exception of that warm feeling we have when we feel someone really ‘knows’ us well - nobody enjoys being related to like their chapter has already been written.
Tuesday, October 30, 2012
Sunday, October 21, 2012
Expressing Fear to Your Partner (or anyone really)
Fear is so closely related to Desire they can almost be seen as two sides of the same coin.
Except desire is moving toward something (allowing) and fear is moving away from something (preventing).
Here are two tricks to help you in expressing fear:
1) Start with a short preamble "I want to share something with you and I'm feeling some fear about it, because I'm worried I will be judged for it." this sets up the conversation about your fear and actually starts by sharing a small fear, and you begin the conversation by already bringing some vulnerability.
A warning comes with this one - do your best to stay away from language that might feed your partner’s own fears. For example if I ever start a conversation with my wife like this, “Honey, there’s something that I have to tell you.” her first reaction is her own fear that I’m going to drop a relationship jolting bomb on her. Similarly using a phrase like, “I want to tell you something, but I’m totally freaking out, and I think you are going to hate me for it.” is likely to place your partner on alert, instead of have them support you in sharing more vulnerably. (I know, crazy - right?)
The key is to be responsible with your language, and to own your fear as a thought that you are having (see No. 2 below). The first phrase I offered above is a great way to be responsible with your language and still bring your vulnerability. If you actually are “freaking out” then you might consider, “I want to share a fear of mine with you, and I’m feeling a lot of fear and anxiety just expressing this to you. I’m a little overwhelmed but I want to continue."
2) Relate to your fear as a thought. Fear is an emotional response, but unless you are facing a saber-tooth tiger, or a big-city mugger, the fear you are having in your relationship is in response to a thought. “I’m having this ‘crazy’ thought that you want to leave me.” Some friends of mine would use this phrase “Crazy Thought” in a playful way to disarm the fear they wanted to express to the other. As in, "Sweetheart, I'm having a crazy thought that you don't find me attractive anymore. Isn't that a CRAZY thought?"
Whichever way you want to establish it - either by being playful or just having a conversation the next time a fear comes up, the important thing is that the two of you are both clear that sharing a fear does not mean that it is the truth, or even your dominant perspective. It is just a thought that you are sharing.
Sharing the thought doesn’t necessarily mean that you need the person to do anything about it, either. You might have a request that comes after sharing the fear, but that is a separate piece from simply sharing what your fear. Speaking your fear may be all that is required.
In this way again, fear is very similar to desire, in that simply having a desire does not mean that it must be fulfilled by the person to whom you express it. Nor does it mean that it is your truth. Your desire is simply a thought that you are sharing. The more you look at both your fears and your desires the more you may find how interconnected they are. Begin using one to uncover the other.
CMA (Covering My Ass) Note: This should be obvious, but when I write that your fear in a relationship is in response to a thought and not a real threat - clearly I’m NOT talking about an abusive or otherwise threatening relationship. In these cases there may be a real danger that should be dealt with in a different way.
Wednesday, October 17, 2012
Coming Back to Connection: Interactive Tele-Series
"Coming Back to Connection"
5 week interactive tele-series
Starting Thu. Oct. 18 -- 7:30- 8:30 PM Pacific
We want to be seen by our partners.
We want to be welcomed by our partners.
We want to be understood by our partners.
We want to know that they are on our team.
This series was created to bring couples back to connection.
Vulnerability can be learned and it is easier than you think.
You and your partner will be relating more clearly and openly.
These simple tools have my coaching clients fall in love again. They instantly feel seen, heard, and understood by each other.
Contact me to register or to get more information
Kevin O'Malley
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